Last Saturday was crystalline and cold, but the sun was plenty sufficient that I could stand outside with no coat, no discomfort, no chill. The little birds flocked to the hedgerow a half a block away from where I stood outside the Oakdale Park Christian Reformed Church and set up their spirited conversation. Even the sound travel more crisply in the sunshine and cold. I was outside squinting against the brilliant reflection of the snow and bright blue sky waiting to welcome John Kotre. Now, John is someone who really understands the idea of story, and he was sharing his time to drive to Grand Rapids to speak about that. Oh, sure, he’s also an author, a psychologist, a professor emeritus from the University of Michigan. Yeah, he’s the guy who was behind Seasons of Life (with David Hartman). It was he who wrote the book on generativity, Make It Count: How To Generate a Legacy That Gives Meaning to Your Life. His latest book is The Story of Everything: A Parable of Creation and evolution. You can read all about him and his work here. …A very interesting and mindful man.
As I waited for John I reflected on what I hoped we were about to do: helpfully speak with family members of those who have been murdered. The group called The Conquerors was gathering for its monthly support meeting. I have written about that organization before and we link to it from this site. President Carolyn Priester (her son, Lee Randolph Preister, was murdered July 28, 2007) had invited me to come again and speak to the group. The first and last time I had done so was this most recent spring, and I thought that perhaps even better than my speaking would be sharing the kind of work John does. I had met him when he came to St. Mark’s Episcopal in Grand Rapids to discuss The Story of Everything. We captured his presentation on film and went on to work with him to create clips that he could use to enhance his work. When the invitation came from Carolyn, I thought of him and what he might be able to offer. I asked and he agreed to come.
John and I had spoken about this meeting several times: what did we have that might be of benefit? I understand stories in one way and I come from the standpoint of the media practitioner. (In my last discussion with The Conquerors I had stressed the importance of keeping alive the story of the person who is no longer at the table. I talked about Facebook, YouTube, ways of recording the story so that it could be transmitted.)
John comes at the idea of story from a much broader and deeper cultural perspective…really the story of the story. He had prepared a series of questions that he hoped would stimulate the conversation. He arrived in good time; at the same time, in fact, Silent Observer’s Chris Cameron did, and we walked in together.
The meeting? For the next hour and a half we asked, listened, shared, cried and laughed. And there was reference to the nature of the divine. We were, after all, in a church. Did we believe that our “time” was known? We’ve been assured that the hairs on our heads are numbered. What about our days? And if that’s so, did God “Take” him or her? In that way…by murder? What kind of a God is that? These questions were not directed at John or me; they were floating in the room. And I do not have answers for them but they are questions that matter, questions we’ve asked for millennia. I did write this down though, and it seems to sum up the feeling in the room: “You say it was his time…but it’s not our time to let him go.”
I wondered during the discussion if the questions we shared would have any value for others who find themselves in just this situation (and there are many). If so use them with our blessing:
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The Story, The Family: “How do you tell this story in the family?”
Sat Jan 9, 2010, Grand Rapids meeting of the Conquerors
1) What is __________’s story?
You see a movie, you tell a friend, “Well, it’s about _______________.” Or “it’s the story of someone who __________.” Finish the sentence. Add another sentence or two. What is your loved one’s story? (They take the time to actually write, then share.)
2) Did the media get the story right? What did they miss? What do you want to keep private?
3) If justice is eventually served, if the perpetrators are caught and convicted, how would the story change? (Or perhaps: when justice was served, how did the story change?)
4) Now let’s turn to your family, and just your family. Every family has its stories. Where does this one belong? How do you tell it in the family? What do you say?
5) Should your loved one’s story rest? Should it die with you? (Why or why not?)
6) If the answer to the above is “No,” let’s go a few generations down the road. Thirty or forty years from now there’s a 10-year old, and he or she wants to know about his great-aunt or his great-uncle.
What’s the story then?
What’s the moral of the story?
What do you want that 10-year-old to learn from it?
What do you want your loved one to be remembered for?
7) Finally, what can you do with the story NOW so it will have that effect down the road?
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None of this is mean to gloss over the reality of what’s happened. The intention is to provide tools for thinking about the murdered one, the missing one, and to help frame the story so that as much good as possible can be retained or drawn out from a very bad situation. It’s my observation that you take any comfort you can find in this situation.
After the meeting, John and I debriefed over a late lunch. The event of the murder is so present to these family members, he said, that it takes over everything else. That was number one. Number two was the huge degree of difference it made to families of whether or not the killer had been caught. Oh, it’s never easy and it never gets easy, but there is something different about the story when the killer is known. I wouldn’t call it closure, but it’s different; perhaps having the murderer called to account allows a different kind of grief to begin. But that’s just a thought, not a certainty.